I want to let you in

I’m ready

And you don’t have the time

Time is precious when something is new and beautiful

You see these walls?

They’re not meant to keep you out

They’re there to protect me

From feeling to much to soon

Sometimes loneliness takes over and I have to be reminded

That love doesn’t live here anymore

In a state of healing I can’t let love in

The truth is love doesn’t love me

Emotional walls that are thick and cold

Tall and wide

I don’t want you here

Yet here you are at my gates

Persistent as ever

Your smile captivates me

I get moist while lost in thoughts of your lips caressing mines

No…. I can’t

Gate closes

Lights off

Emotional walls keep you and your feelings from here

Because I know what would come next

I’d fall for you hard

Then you’d come back and give me an excuse of why I’m not the one

My heart ripped yet again from my chest

A pain I can’t continue to put myself through

Only to watch the object of my affections discard my emotions like yesterday’s garbage

But I can’t

Because when I love men flee

When I love it’s always unrequited

One sided

Empty

Void

Emotional walls are barriers

To keep me from falling in love with you

To keep me from day dreaming about your last name and my first

To keep me from wondering what making love to you for hours would feel like, taste like, sound like….

You have all the capabilities of being my King

But I can no longer trust my heart to fate

Only to pull back nothing

Walls are up

I’m here now where I know it’s safe

And my heart is yet again untouched

Boy don’t you know I’m the shit?

Right down to my soul

My bones are blessed and lovely

Boy don’t know I don’t put with just anything?

My crown sits here because I’m worthy of it I’m lovely down to my bones

My heart is fierce with passion

Fruit is sweet with never ending nectar

You maybe fortunate to taste if you’re good

Don’t you know I revolutionize lives?

You won’t leave the same man you were in the beginning of our affair

I will make you piss excellence

You will have to fully become a King to even breathe my air

No peasants here

Hold your head up high and I’ll have you believing you’ve always been the shit

Why? Because I’m lovely down to my bones

I’m not without flaws

That’s my charm

Why do I smile so?

Because I live my life without borders

Without barriers

Without walls

I live in color

I live outside the box

I’ll have you believing that you are the man I see within

Potential is what I love to see

Drive is even sexier

Especially when you’re spelling it out between my womanhood waterfall

Wondering now why you’re sprung?

You passed on me with some bitch with have a brain that you discovered has no edges and now you want back in?

No can do because you just be dumb to leave a real woman for something beneath

How can I say that?

Because I’m lovely down to my bones

Now that you know how and why

To catch me you must be pretty authentic

Genuine and charming

Romantic and kind

Please remember I’m not one of these bitches with low self esteem and I don’t accept everything

Why? Because I’m lovely down to my bones

I want to be pretty…

No beautiful

I want to be desired

Chased after

No one notices the nerd

No one notices the woman who is constantly frien zoned

I’d give anything to be openly pursued

Wanted

Desired

Will I die alone?

Because pretty girls get handsome men

I get the weird

The awkward

Guess it serves me right

I want to be pretty

God why did you make me ugly

Brown skin

Nappy hair

I’d give anything to know what it’s like to be light skinned

Desired

Chased after

Coveted

God why did you make me awkward

Funny yet shy

I feel like the only time men want me is for sex

So I sleep with them

Because maybe if I give them what they want they’ll give me what I need

But I’m forgettable

Dear God why am I ugly?

I am art in motion

Feelings out loud

Pain that screams

Feelings unheard by many

I’ve pulled back my layers

Exposing all my cards

Is this what it looks like when you go insane

The hills we never think about they will take care of themselves

But the valleys? They will change your existence

There is something about starting over

That just when rock bottom seems to low

God plants you in the dark

Seeds they spend the beginning stages of something new in the dark

Roots must go deep before it can become a tree that grows tall

Never be afraid to be alone

To strip yourself of all the baggage

I had designer baggage

I wanted it to be name brand

I wanted it to be expensive

Oh, and it was

It cost me everything

No one cares about the clothes

When the soul is empty

No one cares about the sex

If it’s meaningless

No one sees the pain in healing

Only the results

So now there’s a cast around my heart

So this time it can heal

No more partial emotional surgeries

Just to lay back down in the same trash

Because this canvas has been painted

With colors of wonder

Of tears in healing

Of a soul in pieces

Of a heart once in love

Fucking you didn’t help me find myself

Marrying you didn’t help me feel whole

Loving you didn’t take away my pain

Trying to find feelings in fucking is always a dangerous combination

Yet I scream with my fist raised that I’m deeper that just meaningless sex

But somewhere between orgasms and I do’s I discovered that giving pieces of myself always doesn’t make me whole

It makes me stupid

Stupid to think that healing is between my thighs

Stupid to think that I could heal you from your pain with my love

Stupid to think you’d pick me when I’ve never picked myself

Stupid to think giving pieces of myself away would result in a whole soul

Is in here empty

Void of all emotions

Asking God for healing

Because the reality is….

I’m broken

All the walls I’ve built have been destroyed

A perfect foundation to rebuild myself

This journey has just begun…