Deeper than pussy

So fuck my feelings huh?

I’m good enough to fuck

I’m good enough to meet family

Good enough to do all the things except have the title

Now that all the shit is said and done I don’t even want the title

I don’t want the title because you don’t deserve those parts of me

I was right to keep walls up, I was right to push you away I was right to do all those things

Because the fact is I’m only pussy

Not a person with feelings, not a magical creature with a womb but just a pussy

I’ll never have the opportunity to spread my joy because I’ve been a light put under a bowl

But those bitches?? Those bitches will I always be your speed

Because your insecure, if not about your weight then about your dick, and if not about your dick its your Mommy issues that weight everyone down around you

Clarity and balance is what you seek but a narcissist is what you are and the good sex and faux positive energy have clouded my vision

All because I wanted to know what it would feel like to claim you in the streets

To have the man that all the other women wanted but the truth is that it’s not worth it

It hasn’t been worth it in quite some time and I lied to myself everyday

I lied in low self esteem, I lied while having sex and I lied in every way that I denied myself self love

I denied myself by loving the unloveable

However the reality if I would have just chosen me I wouldn’t be in the situation

So now I choose me

I’m more than just pussy and a good nut

I’m worthy of so much more than that….

Butterflies part 1

I adore your existence that lives in my space

Waiting on this love and butterflies to pass because I wear my heart on my sleeve

Looking into your eyes gives me peace

When you speak of the future I wish it were with me

But I’m not the first choice just because I’m around

Just because in your arms I feel the safest

The most loved

But that’s selfishly motivated

To only think of my needs

Knowing what it is you require

You know that you can’t give me what I need and that I can do better

I smother everyone I come in contact with

If I really love you then I’ll want you happy

Happy with someone who isn’t me

So now I’m in this space where great connection, good dick and unrequited feelings meet

Asking myself how did I get here again?

I won’t throw a temper tantrum because I didn’t get what I wanted

But instead keep a friend that I know is down for me

But loves himself enough to say that he requires more and me loving him isn’t enough

This hurts but that’s life….right?

Unconventional

Unconventional

Is my womb lifeless?

Is it broken?

I’ve often wondered why my body is unable to produce life

If my vagina is a black hole where things go in and nothing comes out?

I see the girls he looks at and the way he talks about them

He doesn’t talk about me like that

I’m not even a consideration where it comes time to put in a bid for his heart

Why I am not beautiful?

I often wish to ask God when he was passing out beauty why was I overlooked?

We say things like beauty is within etc but who actually believes that shit?

When my personality could be bomb but my confidence is non existent

Then even when a woman is deemed not “beautiful” can be confident and still talked about wrongly

I wish to one day have the confidence of Lizzo

Because no matter what she said fuck your norms

Why am I not normal?

The hardest part is being an artist trapped in a societal box

Do they not see me?

Art flows through my veins and out my mouth in living color yet I envy them

The ordinary

The “okay”

The status quo

Why is my womb not enough

Why is my beauty not enough

Why is my heart not enough

Why is my existence through art not enough

And who deemed you correct to judge me on the standards of beauty?

But don’t call on us when the women you fantasize about don’t want you

Tell you that your brand of love as a man isn’t good enough

In that moment you’ll remember me….. us the ones you reject

As not good enough

As friend zoned

As simply just unconventional

Then its remembered that you didn’t think I would sell

To your friends

To your lifestyle

Am I not worthy?

I often wonder

Either way I’ll free myself from this box

If you need me I’ll be painted in the sky

Never again to be seen from

Lifeless womb

Broken artist

And completely unconventional

B

Can you meet me at the court house?

I don’t want to miss another moment not being in your arms

Don’t you understand your spirit is epic?

Your smile captivates me

Your mind leaves me speechless

Your lips leave my panties wet

I desire to explore the chambers of heart

The depths of your mind

Can we experience peaks and valley’s together

I love the way you love

This… you tell me “Is a safe space” and within that space I have been myself

But I want more so much more

But your heart and existence belongs to another

I’m to fly to be anything on the side so I won’t

But I’m jealous because I hope she knows who she has

I’d love him, I do love him past anything artificial

I feel like this is life at it’s worst to meet your soul mate but to never love him

This mental prison that I live in day dreaming about what kissing you feels like….. tastes like

How does your last name sound with my first

This is a teenage love affair in my mind because the butterflies are present every time I’m in your presence

Only this isn’t second period social studies

Could I, would I love you?

Without a question

But loving you would just only be the beginning

I would want to create a place in space and time that has our names on it

Create small people that are manifestation of how much I adore you

To look into their little faces and see everything that is you

So the only question is…. “What are you doing for the rest of our lives?”

I’ll be slow dancing with you in the living room

Captivated by your cologne

Wrapped tightly in your arms

Breathing you in because literally you are my air

But you belong to another and this is only a day dream

A place that I hide everything that has your name on it

A place where I stand with you in front of everyone reciting the vows that I’ve written just for you

Never knowing that life could feel this way, that love could feel this way

And the only thing I wish to hear you say is:

“Would you mind sharing my last name?”

I adore you existence

I send you light and love because this

Is way more than a crush…..

Emotional Walls

I want to let you in

I’m ready

And you don’t have the time

Time is precious when something is new and beautiful

You see these walls?

They’re not meant to keep you out

They’re there to protect me

From feeling to much to soon

Sometimes loneliness takes over and I have to be reminded

That love doesn’t live here anymore

In a state of healing I can’t let love in

The truth is love doesn’t love me

Emotional walls that are thick and cold

Tall and wide

I don’t want you here

Yet here you are at my gates

Persistent as ever

Your smile captivates me

I get moist while lost in thoughts of your lips caressing mines

No…. I can’t

Gate closes

Lights off

Emotional walls keep you and your feelings from here

Because I know what would come next

I’d fall for you hard

Then you’d come back and give me an excuse of why I’m not the one

My heart ripped yet again from my chest

A pain I can’t continue to put myself through

Only to watch the object of my affections discard my emotions like yesterday’s garbage

But I can’t

Because when I love men flee

When I love it’s always unrequited

One sided

Empty

Void

Emotional walls are barriers

To keep me from falling in love with you

To keep me from day dreaming about your last name and my first

To keep me from wondering what making love to you for hours would feel like, taste like, sound like….

You have all the capabilities of being my King

But I can no longer trust my heart to fate

Only to pull back nothing

Walls are up

I’m here now where I know it’s safe

And my heart is yet again untouched

Lovely bones

Boy don’t you know I’m the shit?

Right down to my soul

My bones are blessed and lovely

Boy don’t know I don’t put with just anything?

My crown sits here because I’m worthy of it I’m lovely down to my bones

My heart is fierce with passion

Fruit is sweet with never ending nectar

You maybe fortunate to taste if you’re good

Don’t you know I revolutionize lives?

You won’t leave the same man you were in the beginning of our affair

I will make you piss excellence

You will have to fully become a King to even breathe my air

No peasants here

Hold your head up high and I’ll have you believing you’ve always been the shit

Why? Because I’m lovely down to my bones

I’m not without flaws

That’s my charm

Why do I smile so?

Because I live my life without borders

Without barriers

Without walls

I live in color

I live outside the box

I’ll have you believing that you are the man I see within

Potential is what I love to see

Drive is even sexier

Especially when you’re spelling it out between my womanhood waterfall

Wondering now why you’re sprung?

You passed on me with some bitch with have a brain that you discovered has no edges and now you want back in?

No can do because you just be dumb to leave a real woman for something beneath

How can I say that?

Because I’m lovely down to my bones

Now that you know how and why

To catch me you must be pretty authentic

Genuine and charming

Romantic and kind

Please remember I’m not one of these bitches with low self esteem and I don’t accept everything

Why? Because I’m lovely down to my bones

Pretty hurts

I want to be pretty…

No beautiful

I want to be desired

Chased after

No one notices the nerd

No one notices the woman who is constantly frien zoned

I’d give anything to be openly pursued

Wanted

Desired

Will I die alone?

Because pretty girls get handsome men

I get the weird

The awkward

Guess it serves me right

I want to be pretty

God why did you make me ugly

Brown skin

Nappy hair

I’d give anything to know what it’s like to be light skinned

Desired

Chased after

Coveted

God why did you make me awkward

Funny yet shy

I feel like the only time men want me is for sex

So I sleep with them

Because maybe if I give them what they want they’ll give me what I need

But I’m forgettable

Dear God why am I ugly?

11 minutes

I adore your existence…

I whispered in his ear

The smell of his cologne invaded my personal space on the train platform

11 minutes is all I had to see him this day

Us in transit between jobs

My lips craved him as he got off the train

His eyes big and brown but tired

Life has worn on him in the worst way today

I kissed his cheeks and forehead

Are you okay?

He shook his head yes but I knew that pain

11 minutes was all I had to fill his heart with my love for that day

Tongue slipping in and out of his mouth

My lips on his neck

Teeth on his ear lobe

Hugging him tightly to feel my embrace

I can’t take away the pain but maybe I can numb it for those few moments love

The hard work

The sacrifice

The people who didn’t appreciate his heart

I can hear the train coming I whispered

One last kiss goodbye

I’ll see you tomorrow when our schedules allow our paths to cross once more

I adore your existence I whisper in his ear

And just like that it was over

His cologne still on my dress

Me hoping the scent of him is embedded into my skin

Art in motion

I am art in motion

Feelings out loud

Pain that screams

Feelings unheard by many

I’ve pulled back my layers

Exposing all my cards

Is this what it looks like when you go insane

The hills we never think about they will take care of themselves

But the valleys? They will change your existence

There is something about starting over

That just when rock bottom seems to low

God plants you in the dark

Seeds they spend the beginning stages of something new in the dark

Roots must go deep before it can become a tree that grows tall

Never be afraid to be alone

To strip yourself of all the baggage

I had designer baggage

I wanted it to be name brand

I wanted it to be expensive

Oh, and it was

It cost me everything

No one cares about the clothes

When the soul is empty

No one cares about the sex

If it’s meaningless

No one sees the pain in healing

Only the results

So now there’s a cast around my heart

So this time it can heal

No more partial emotional surgeries

Just to lay back down in the same trash

Because this canvas has been painted

With colors of wonder

Of tears in healing

Of a soul in pieces

Of a heart once in love

Broken Pieces

Fucking you didn’t help me find myself

Marrying you didn’t help me feel whole

Loving you didn’t take away my pain

Trying to find feelings in fucking is always a dangerous combination

Yet I scream with my fist raised that I’m deeper that just meaningless sex

But somewhere between orgasms and I do’s I discovered that giving pieces of myself always doesn’t make me whole

It makes me stupid

Stupid to think that healing is between my thighs

Stupid to think that I could heal you from your pain with my love

Stupid to think you’d pick me when I’ve never picked myself

Stupid to think giving pieces of myself away would result in a whole soul

Is in here empty

Void of all emotions

Asking God for healing

Because the reality is….

I’m broken

All the walls I’ve built have been destroyed

A perfect foundation to rebuild myself

This journey has just begun…